It’s so hard for me to make friends because my mother’s voice keeps telling me to push them away. “But, they like me. I like them. Why can’t I be their friends? Why can’t I have any friends, everyone else has friends?”
I can’t remember a time when my mother did not dismantle my friendships. She worked very hard to brainwash my sisters and I to turn on our friends, to discard them or insult them so that they’d leave and ever come back. It was her way of keeping us isolated and available for her abuse and brainwashing. My mother was a master of robbing us of any family or support system.
I remember when I started to change from a vibrant and happy little girl, to a depressed and little girl in crisis. I remember when my once strong confidence began to sink like a stone. She struck at my foundation with maximum force with the intention to dismantle, shake and crumble the person I was trying to form into. My self development was incomplete, halted in my early years never to resume until I let my mother go. I had to let her go, to find myself and to invite friends and kind people, back into my life.