Help

I need help. Little Dana is a raging bull smashing up everything in site, stewing at things she cannot control. Her sense of shame is unbearable. I feel like a possessed demon trying so hard to push her deep inside so adult Dana can control the her life. She is a nut job. Pushing me and prodding me to get out and wreck havoc. Somedays she’s worse than other days. Some days I have to stay home for a few hours until I convinced her to calm down and go play.

I was a work out class yesterday and she almost humiliated me again! My face was hot and my back filled with spots of sweat. I can feel the sweat seeping through my T shirt. It was not the result of my workout because the class had just begun, it was the result of little Dana.  “He’s a fool! Tell your instructor to kiss your ass!”

“Shut up Little Dana. Shut up!” I’d retorted looking at my instructor with a fake shit smile that he can see right through.

Then my mother’s voice jumped in.

“You suck so bad! Look at you! You still don’t know how to do this routine? STILL!” she’d taunt cruelly.

“Please stop it. I can’t focus. I can’t do my best here. Stop it the instructor is looking straight at me. This is so embarrassing I can’t even be normal, not even for one hour.” I can feel the tears coming. I swallow real hard. Feeling hopeless and defeated, I wish I never came to class I think to myself. Everything felt dark, black and heavy.

Class was over. I did not attract too much attention, just some. I smiled. I thanked the instructor and left. Myself talk started. “Dana, you are ok. You did your best. Today was not smooth, but tomorrow will be. I’m proud of you that you didn’t leave. I know little Dana and your mother were really acting up.”

“Yes,” I whimpered to my logical voice trying to comfort me.  “It was really hard.”

When will it stop. When?

 

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