Little me wreaks havoc on my adult life.
My husband urged me to, “Lock her up. Don’t let her come out Dana.” I feel conflicted about this because this is what created the problem in the first place, locking up little Dana made her body shake with anger. Locking up little Dana made her feel insignificant and humiliated. Locking up little Dana made her feel unloved, abandoned and unworthy. So, adult Dana thought, let her out. Let her scream, laugh, giggle, baby talk; let her sulk, throw a tantrum, etc. Let her out! Open the damn cage! Let her run amuck and do as she damn well pleases!
My question is, how long do I let her out? When do I start to gently step in and tell her, enough, time to calm down and behave moderately; time to look at the bully and tell it to get lost. I feel the urge to spoil her because I know she needs to experience freedom and love, but I also too much freedom can imprison her again, lock her up again.
So maybe I parent her like I parent my daughters, let her have her say and then step in and say, “Ok sweetheart, I heard what you had to say and now it’s time to breathe and say, enough.” I think I need to do these two things daily because little Dana needs to go through this process, it’s not a one time deal.
Being two separate people is hard; I always wanted to be one person in one body, but I’m not. I have a pretty angry and scared little girl inside of me asking me over and over again, “Why does my mother not love me? Why does she treat me bad and bully me? Why are random ladies in the supermarket kind to me, but my mom is cruel to me? Why does my friend Sara have a mom that hugs her and i don’t?”
It hurts me to see her sad and confused.
She cannot yet understand that her mother is sick, learning that alone would break her heart. Inside she knows her mother is broken and is letting her down, so she does not need to hear an adult on the outside blurt that out loud. She already knows it.