I Don’t Know What That Means…

A dear friend of mine lost her mother several years ago and she struggles daily to carry on without her mom. When I spend time with my friend, I can feel the sadness she carries inside her. She is brave and holds the pain inside, yet sometimes it seeps out. She shared with me that ever since her mom passed away, she cannot sleep well at night. She is up every morning at 3 am.  I bit my lip hard to stop myself from crying.  I’m upset that she is hurting so much.  I don’t want her to hurt. I don’t want her to be depressed and feel empty inside.  I know that pain. Don’t feel this pain I think to myself loudly! No, not this pain. But, there is nothing I can do other than listen and show her that I care.

I often ask her to share stories about her mom and her favorite memories.  You see, I don’t know what it means to love my mom. I don’t understand what a close mother daughter relationship should look like, or what it feels like.  So, for this self fish reason I ask my friend to share her stories and memories of her mom, so I can begin to understand what it means to have a mom you cherish and adore.  I don’t feel bad asking her to do this because she lights up when she shares fond memories with her mom.  She becomes a little girl again soaking up her mother’s love and approval. I enjoy watching her transform to a happier version of herself when her mom was still with her, besides her.

I feel so grateful that I have friends that teach me what a mother’s role is and what a good mother does. I so much want to know so that I can continue to be the mother my children deserve.  I felt myself healing last week when I filled my daughter’s plastic pumpkin from her childhood with candy she likes to eat.  I felt  myself heal when I wrapped the candy in festive Halloween tissue paper and gently laid fluffy Halloween socks in the pumpkin. I felt myself heal, when I wrote her a loving and kind Halloween card.  I felt myself heal when I mailed it to her dorm room.

I’m starting to know what it means… thanks to my friend.


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