Hiding is a defense skill that adult children of narcissistic parents learn in order to survive. This is going to sound very odd, but until recently, I use to walk around thinking that I was invisible. When people would talk to me, I’d think to myself, how do they see me. I often wished I was invisible, but now that I know I’m not, I feel better about being seen and even heard.
My narcissistic parent scares me as do my narcissistic sisters, especially my older sister. Often I wish that I was an only child as I already have no contact with my three sisters. They are more enemies than sisters. My mother planted hate, jealousy and rage in the soil of our childhood. I no longer believe that any of my sisters can overcome it. They have tried and failed miserably. In my family of origin, my mother constantly repeated the same phrases over and over again. It was a sort of brain washing that took place. She’d repeat throughout the day, “A good girl never thinks she’s better than her mother.” And all sorts of other insane things. The damaging message of, you better never be better than me in anything, was absorbed. The hard part is when I step out into the real world and everyone else is telling me, “Come on Dana, you can do it! Try again. Push yourself.” It’s so kind and sincere and mind boggling. It’s the complete opposite message I received all the years I was in contact with my mother, aunts and my sisters.
So, I no longer want to hide. Maybe just from my family of unfortunate origin. I’ll leave them to stew and stir their pot of black magic as I carry on and try to tackle my challenges at every turn.