Is this even the right question to ask myself? How? How did my narcissistic mother, I should be an expert at spelling the word by now, but I’m not, take so much joy, love and happiness out of my life? There I was a mother of two beautiful and sweet little girls and I didn’t know how to be a mother to them. I felt love, but was conditioned to fear expressing it and sharing it. Motherhood terrified me. It does less so now that I am aware I am a survivor of narcissistic abuse. Years ago, I had no idea what a narcissist was. I never even heard the word narcissist until a colleague mentioned it. Only to later discover that I was raised by one and have suffered from narcissistic abuse for four decades.
How, was I able to even raise two children when I had no idea that I was even a person! I know, WHAT?! Yes, I didn’t know I was a person until five years ago. Doesn’t that sound bizarre? It probably won’t unless you are a survivor of narcissism.
Somehow, by the grace of God, I was able to mother them, teach them and accept them for the beautiful people they are. Ohhhh, I definitely made BIG… HUGE mistakes, my daughters will agree with this, but they do know I love them. How, I don’t know. Something was guiding me… to love, acceptance and to kindness. This was my authentic self. I just wanted to love them as they were and are. I just wanted to feel love, experience love without doubting it and without making it toxic. I say this because that was my initial instinct. It was to turn anything beautiful, anything pure into something dreadful and evil. That was my preconditioning for almost half a century. I feel so blessed that I saw the light, that I fought back the narcissism that was pumped into my body, mind and soul on a daily basis. How, I don’t know, but I was saved and I was able to raise two normal, well adjusted girls who have many friends and are kind and are productive…. how?